Today should have been the day that drove me over the edge. I have wonderful lovers & friends waiting for my return. But the sensation, there is this burn in the pit of your stomach. So if you know someone who has told you that they have been anorexic and they have triggers, please be careful. Follow the steps they give you, so you don’t make things harder on them. Would you like a golf clap to go with that inflated ego?
Today should have been the day that I lost my mind. I have amazing friends here in the province giving me moral support. He apologized for giving me vaginosis but not for raping me,… When you feel it you know that your body is aching for something, but if you can just wrestle that feeling for another 3, 4, 5hr you will have won and you can reward yourself with that granola bar. I have heard this all too often, and not to burst your bubble but you don’t turn them into sluts – they gift their slutdom to you.
I am free of all this winter drama for a few weeks, no one sticking their nose into my healing business. I managed to politely tell my father to go fuck himself when he tried to guilt me into doing something I wasnt emotionally prepared for. Over coming that feeling, living in that burn, settling into that ache is masochistically comforting. It is an all consumming need to be in control of something, anything, whatever you can get your hands on, because you have no control over anything else. You dont just wake up one day and say “Nope not anorexic any more, TAH DAH”. I could do it…” I then smiled, ordered two cupcakes, took a swig of my extra large mocha, and sat down to a plate of gf pasta. I have lived through dragging myself out of anorexia 3 times. You just have a knack for choosing girls who enjoy spreading their legs.
The addiction is not only in the mentality of the control. “I can turn any girl into a slut” Sure you can buddy.
The thing that most people dont understand is that there is an addiction to anorexia.
And all of that other shit, well it was was just that other shit compared to Kitten needing someone to talk to. If no – Where is there food that I can eat immediately…?
If no – Do I have food that I can eat in my immediate vacinity?
If no – Did I actually eat enough to sustain my body for the rest of the day?
Everyday I have to check in with myself – Did I actually eat three meals? It is just too bad so many people in this era seem to think that is somehow a bad thing, an unwanted trait in another person… Living with anorexic tendancies is a lot like living with alcoholism. The truth is, for most of my life Ive been looking for people to take care of, and to take care of me. Not because I want them to be dependant on me, but because I want them to have one less thing to worry about when they close their eyes at night.It will never happen again, so why are you still complaining about it? Whether it is her first time spreading her legs so easily or not, a slut is a slut is a slut (and I say that with all the love in my heart).I walked into my local cupcakery, having not been there for 2 months and the first thing out of the girls mouth was “You lost weight, you look so good”. There is nothing more off putting than receiving a message from an attractive guy/dom who closes with “And if you’ve ever been curious about being a dirty little girl, I can mentor/guide you”.Hold up buddy, you think little old me has what it takes to be a proper little slut *doe eyes* I am just so honoured that you think I could be added to one of your hoards of women. And when established sluts get these messages, we roll our eyes.